hard pills to swallow

when rick told me i was lovable.
when william told me there was nothing in me that would make him feel love.
which one do i believe.

truth

back to me

i love tattoos, and that i just made an appointment to continue work on my arm for my upcoming 33rd birthday.
i love summer and making time to be outside in nature and enjoy it.
i love when my daughter sings "twinkle twinkle little star," and it comes out as "tinkle" instead of "twinkle."
i love the hello kitty post it notes i picked up at target on clearance, and how they make me giggle when i put them on a serious document at work.
i love my ability to enjoy my sexuality.
i love when i can be there for friends.
i love making play dates for my daughter, because she gets so excited and happy to play with kids her own age.
i love going to the farmer's market with her on saturday mornings, and picking out new and exciting things with her.
i love being a working, bringing home the bread kinda momma. women are just as good as men, (and yes, sometimes better.)
i love how much i've been riding my mountain bike lately.
i love being in touch with my feminine, girly side.
i love shandy, even though i don't love the word. that is one tasty summer beverage.
i love picnics at washington park with girlfriends, and making a delicious panzanella (including herbs i grew) to share.
i love that the sunflowers i planted are growing, and that i have two left in my pots despite the dumb gardener mowing the ones i planted in the ground down.
i love my "free" nights, and the ability that gives me to get things done, so i can be completely with my child, enjoying her and having fun, when we are together.
i love twitter and the distraction it provides from doing work i just don't feel like completing at the moment.
i love writing, the honesty i have at it, and the clarity it sometimes provides me.

i can't trust

i can't do it.
i can't feel nothing for him.
i feel so good when i am with him, because he is incredible. he is unlike any man i've ever met. i can't control the way he makes me feel. the compliments, when he tells me that he cares. the chemistry, the passion. the attention. it's an amazing feeling, that a man such as him, would say these things to me... to me.
but it's making me feel things for him.
these feelings that i am starting to have, they lead to other ones. and sometimes they lead to ones i don't like & have a hard time dealing with. ones that inevitably end up with me feeling alone, insecure, not good enough. when i see that he was with other women on facebook, i wonder who they are. i find myself comparing myself, even though i know, I KNOW, how silly and futile and ridiculous and anti feminist that is. i don't stalk, i don't want to look. but just a name or a picture can  make me feel this big. i find myself feeling deep down, that they must be prettier, nicer, better than me. they must have less baggage, and probably have their heads straight, too. yes, i can discern this all based on a single profile photograph on facebook.
clearly, this is a problem.
i don't know why i do it, and i don't know how to stop it. but these feelings leave me sad, insecure, and angry. i get mad at myself for letting it happen, for letting another one in when it will never be more than what it is. and  i get mad at the guy, who i expect more from. then i feel guilty, and then jaded and fucked up. it's pretty much a downward spiral.
i can't do it.
i won't do it.
i can't trust him. i can't trust that his words are not just words. i can't trust that he's really into me. and i can't trust when he gives me compliments. i can't trust that he doesn't have ulterior motives. i can't trust that he doesn't just want a piece. i can't even trust that he will ever actually call me again.
i can't trust him.
and what's even worse, is how i can't trust anyone that tries to tell me that i am good enough.
i just do not trust that i am.

insecurities, fears, and telling them to fuck off.

9:30 friday night. i drive the five minutes over to his apartment, nervous, excited. i park, check my makeup, and make my way inside. i hear music playing lowly. i walk up the stairs, into his room. it's lit up with a single red lightbulb, highlighting the maroon walls and sheets. he's laying naked on the bed, and his face lights up into that amazing smile he has. i sit down and start kissing him.

he makes me feel beautiful. he makes me feel one of a kind. he makes me feel worthwhile. the very fact that a man as incredible as him, wants to spend his time with me, is an amazing feeling. because he is special. he's unlike any man i've ever met or known. he is centered, balanced, well rounded. he is incredibly good looking, athletic, successful. he is calming, flattering, and caring.

what is different about this man, is that he makes me want to be a better person. that is exactly what i have looked for, exactly what i long for. someone who encourages me to be the best supergirl i can be.

when we talked, he said he doesn't want to be a negative influence in my life. if, after i see him, i don't feel good, i need to tell him. he doesn't want me to feel that loneliness, emptiness, that i was trying to avoid and get away from by going on a "haitus." he said he wants me to feel good in more than just a sexual way. and i believe him. i believe he is trustworthy, that he means what he says to me. that is not easy for me, but with him it is. with him it comes naturally.

laying next to him, being intimate, is a little scary. i don't want to get attached and get hurt. but, as he said, it's so comfortable. it's so natural. it's so easy. it feels right. it feels good. and yet that little voice, the one i'd love to quiet, says i mustn't get too used to it. because life has taught me not to.

i told my therapist that i don't feel like i am good enough for a man like him. why do i feel that way? he tells me i am amazing. he tells me i'm beautiful and sexy. he wants to see me and talk to me and spend his time with me. so why, why, why do i feel that way? she asked if i was trying to convince him that i'm not good enough. i hope i'm not.

i am trying to just enjoy it. whatever may happen, whatever may come. i just want to enjoy what time we have together. not over think things. not over analyze things. just ride this feeling that he gives me as long as i can, and know that if it ends, if it goes away, i will be just fine. because i always am.

but my, how i want it to stay. how i want him to stay. time will tell. in the meantime i will continue to work on being the person i want to be. it's all i can do. i will be thankful for the feelings that he gives me, because they are so very rare and special. i will enjoy it this time. i will.

depression lies.

struggles

sometimes, it's a struggle to get up in the morning. to go to work. to get myself presentable and focused and awake.
sometimes, it's a struggle to keep it all together. the housework, the day job, the mom stuff, finances.
sometimes, it's a struggle to want to continue to meet men, put forth the effort, and keep the hope alive that one of them will be worth the wait.
sometimes, it's a struggle to find the silver linings in the clouds.
sometimes, it's a struggle to see the bright side, to be excited for a new day and the new opportunities it brings.
sometimes it's a struggle to be a supergirl.
sometimes, i just want a little help.
instead of help, all i seem to find are momentary distractions from my reality.
william was supposed to be the one to help me see myself clearly. but my view became muddled even more. steve brags about how he saves women all the time. but not me. he insists i don't need saving, i just need to smile more. rick, as centered and peaceful as his soul seems, just dragged me down a little bit more when i realized what he was after. here's a hint - it wasn't getting to know me or date me.
i'm not, nor will i ever be, that chick that wants a man to save her.
but a little help, a little reminder, a little happiness in an otherwise dark place, would be welcomed. something  that lasts. something stable. some hope. these struggles are getting too hard to face everyday alone.

always strive to do better

a band aid

i started this by writing
"it was a mistake when i asked him to go."
and now i know it wasn't.

i wanted to feel alive and young and foolish and impulsive. i wanted to know what it felt like to be him. to be with him. now i remember.

lost

do you believe in psychics?

while i was in atlantic city, nj last weekend, i visited a boardwalk psychic
she wasn't a medium. she did tarot and palm readings.
for ten bucks, she read my energy.
and what she said wasn't good.
she said i have the energy of an older person, in their seventies. someone who has resigned themselves to "well, this is all life is." someone who looks back on their past memories with fondness, but who isn't making many new ones.
she said someone my age should have an energy that reads excited, with all of these opportunities and paths in front of me. someone with all of these wonderful things to do.
she talked about my strength, and my ups and downs. she talked about how i think i get the short end of the stick a lot, and she said i was right. i get treated like shit a lot. but she also said i allow it. she talked about my decision not to speak up. she said i can do it, but don't want to. she said i am too nice sometimes, and that gets taken advantage of.
she said that i have a lot of good karma.
when i laughed at that, she said i was blocking it.
she talked about a man, one that i've been thinking about recently. she said our souls were connected, but now they are not. she said that connection is broken.
when i asked if i could fix it, she said i could, but it would be difficult.
she said in the past 6 or 7 months something in me changed.
she said that i have been lost.

all of these things are so general in nature. they could apply to anything or anyone.
in my mind i know that. i know that a psychic reading is only what you make of it.

but i also know how i felt, and how i feel now.
and i know that she was right.

a year of me

it's a new year.
a time for new beginnings.
a time for a new focus.
and i have just the thing.

my desire to be the best supergirl i can be, in every aspect of life, is strong. i want to show my daughter that she can do anything she puts her mind to. and the best way to do that is to lead by example.

i was invited to join some friends in doing a race/obstacle course called the superhero scramble. it's intimidating. i'm out of shape. i haven't worked out in months. it's in july, though, so i have 7 months to train and prepare.

the biggest hurdle for me might be climbing a rope. i've never been able to do it, even going back to grade school. i just don't have the upper body strength. if i could change that, if i could build up my muscles enough to get through that obstacle, i know it might be the validation i need to finally believe that yes, supergirl, you can do anything.

i'm going to try it. i want to try it.
i want to make me a better person. physically, emotionally, mentally, financially.
i want to do it for my daughter.
i want to do it for me.
i want to make 2013 all about me.