a band aid

i started this by writing
"it was a mistake when i asked him to go."
and now i know it wasn't.

i wanted to feel alive and young and foolish and impulsive. i wanted to know what it felt like to be him. to be with him. now i remember.



i have a friend. an ex, really. we dated several years ago for 6 months or so. several things contributed to why we broke up, and i thought it was the right decision. but when we broke up i cried, and know he did too. not long after we stopped seeing each other, i met my daughter's father.

this ex and i, we stayed in contact for a while. he ended up taking my dog when i could no longer keep her. i have always admired him for doing that. i felt like i owed him, even though from the moment i met him, layla was so clearly his dog. he's been there for me several times. and i'd like to think i have done the same for him. i feel a little like he's a brother that i have to look out for, probably because he is always getting into trouble. he has a head injury that he got 20 years ago, and doesn't remember things well. he works out more than i have ever seen one person do when it wasn't for money. i won't lie, he's nice eye candy. his head injury has been a challenge for him, mainly with his focus. he always has these grand ideas about book writing and opening businesses, but i haven't seen many of them come to fruition. and the women stories he tells me - oh, my. from strippers to lawyers. and if there ever was a person so deserving of the phrase "she's too young for you, bro" - it's him.

the thing is, i believe he has a truly good heart, even though i have seen the con artist in him. probably the hardest thing to see now, is how i let him con me.

i'm so giving in nature. i take care of people. i want them to be happy more than i want myself to be. i don't know how to be any other way, once i love someone. i don't know how to tell my heart to stop caring. to be cold and shut of, once it's turned on.
some people can do that. a short term memory problem might help the ease of it. but this weekend i felt both from him - being taken care of, and him not giving a fuck. and it reminded me of why i left him so many years ago. i left because i deserved better. and i still do, yet there i was waiting, wanting him (someone, really) to give a fuck. but he's not the one for me, and i already know that. i shouldn't be spending my time with him and preventing my heart and my soul to go to another, more deserving person. dammit, i'm supergirl. i shouldn't be using a fucking band aid.

i should have gone alone.

what he means to me and what i mean to him are not one in the same.
he uses me and i let him.
i have tried to speak up.
and i let myself be quieted by the fear of being alone.

asking him to go was so out of the box for me.
i think it was the shake up i needed to see things clearer.
he's looking out for himself, and himself only.
i should have known that night when i saw him out.
the writing was on the wall. i wanted to believe his excuses.
but his excuses suck, even if they are the truth.
i don't need to invite that into my home, into my life anymore.
i know i will have a hard time when he comes knocking again.
i will hear his stories of the latest girl to piss him off or stalk him or cry over him. i will listen to him talk and talk and talk. of women, of his plans, of his trips, of his fights. i will pet layla and miss her, and i will laugh at his dumb pictures and maybe even... because it's what i know.
or not.
i wanted some relief. from the loneliness.
but it's not here.
every band aid comes off sooner or later.

i wanted to tell him before i dropped him off after the trip home.
that psychic make me think. made me see. made me know. when she talked of blocking my good karma, i understood it. he is blocking me. actually, all of the "he's" are blocking me.
i am what's blocking me.
my decisions about him and him and him are blocking me.
i need to get "him" out of the way, because "he" will never love me.
i need to get that voice out of my head that says i am not deserving of love.
that is what's blocking me.