9:30 friday night. i drive the five minutes over to his apartment, nervous, excited. i park, check my makeup, and make my way inside. i hear music playing lowly. i walk up the stairs, into his room. it's lit up with a single red lightbulb, highlighting the maroon walls and sheets. he's laying naked on the bed, and his face lights up into that amazing smile he has. i sit down and start kissing him.
he makes me feel beautiful. he makes me feel one of a kind. he makes me feel worthwhile. the very fact that a man as incredible as him, wants to spend his time with me, is an amazing feeling. because he is special. he's unlike any man i've ever met or known. he is centered, balanced, well rounded. he is incredibly good looking, athletic, successful. he is calming, flattering, and caring.
what is different about this man, is that he makes me want to be a better person. that is exactly what i have looked for, exactly what i long for. someone who encourages me to be the best supergirl i can be.
when we talked, he said he doesn't want to be a negative influence in my life. if, after i see him, i don't feel good, i need to tell him. he doesn't want me to feel that loneliness, emptiness, that i was trying to avoid and get away from by going on a "haitus." he said he wants me to feel good in more than just a sexual way. and i believe him. i believe he is trustworthy, that he means what he says to me. that is not easy for me, but with him it is. with him it comes naturally.
laying next to him, being intimate, is a little scary. i don't want to get attached and get hurt. but, as he said, it's so comfortable. it's so natural. it's so easy. it feels right. it feels good. and yet that little voice, the one i'd love to quiet, says i mustn't get too used to it. because life has taught me not to.
i told my therapist that i don't feel like i am good enough for a man like him. why do i feel that way? he tells me i am amazing. he tells me i'm beautiful and sexy. he wants to see me and talk to me and spend his time with me. so why, why, why do i feel that way? she asked if i was trying to convince him that i'm not good enough. i hope i'm not.
i am trying to just enjoy it. whatever may happen, whatever may come. i just want to enjoy what time we have together. not over think things. not over analyze things. just ride this feeling that he gives me as long as i can, and know that if it ends, if it goes away, i will be just fine. because i always am.
but my, how i want it to stay. how i want him to stay. time will tell. in the meantime i will continue to work on being the person i want to be. it's all i can do. i will be thankful for the feelings that he gives me, because they are so very rare and special. i will enjoy it this time. i will.
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