love

a plan of action instead of inaction

i just let an incredible man walk out of my life.
he presented an opportunity to me, and i'm too blind to take it.
it's gotten to the point where i am letting my past dictate my future. and that needs to change, now.

i'm still not at a place that is ready for a relationship. i want to be, lord knows how i want to be.
but ignoring my past and my present and hoping for a future to fix it all, is not a plan of action. it's a plan of inaction.
i have trust issues.
i have issues with knowing my own self worth.
i have problems believing that any man will love me for me.
i have a problem loving myself, so how could i expect anyone else to?
i have a problem believing the very thing that i want to instill in my daughter.
that she deserves love and happiness and for a man (or anyone) to treat her like gold.

he was different but i was blind to it.
so burned by my past, so hesitant of trusting.
i let a good one slip right through my fingers. when all i had to do was reach out and hold onto it.

"For you to be able to offer the best to your daughter you have to make changes, you have to become a strong woman in every aspect of the word. I wish things could have been different. You would have been easy to love. I could have seen you in my future..."

i have to change. 

there is no doubt in my mind anymore.

the things that i have been doing, using sex as a drug, are not actually "working". they never did. and they will continue to hold me back and hold me down if i let them.

i have to say goodbye to the easy way. to the quick fixes. to the men that i let use me.

i have to do it for myself, and for my daughter.

it's the only hope i have in showing her the "right" way.

my only desire, since i learned i was pregnant, was to give my daughter everything i possibly could.

i have succeeded in many ways. i can show her she can go far in school if she puts her mind to it. i can show her women can have a career and be successful. i can show her she can do anything she wants, on her own. i can show her how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by friends and family. i can show her that being a hardworking, kind and considerate person will reward you in life.

what i cannot show her yet is what a loving, caring, and worthwhile relationship looks like.

that is my dream. that i can have a healthy, normal and loving relationship, and do it right. so that she sees that her mama believes that she herself is worth it. so she sees that i believe i am worth it. 

and so someday, she believes that SHE is worth it.

i do not want this life i live for my daughter. i want better for her. 

but how else will she know how, if i don't show her? 

this is my goal for 2013.

now i must learn how.

so what

i want a man that makes me light up when i hear from him.
i want a man that makes me smile.
a man that makes me laugh.
a man that makes me feel sexy and wanted.
i want passion.
i want him to see how awesome i am, and to help me believe that.
i want a man who can see a future, with me somewhere in it.
i want a man to please, and who treats me well in return.
i want to love, and be loved.
but more importantly, i want to know that i can feel love again.
that kind of love.
it's such a distant memory, i wonder if it's even real.
it's been so long. i'm just not sure anymore.

september 26

today an old boss visited the office. she retired a few months ago, not long after i got my promotion and the new system went live.
she asked how things with the new system were going. i was honest, and said some things have improved and some seem to be getting worse.
i didn't complain, bitch, or moan about it. i don't think i seemed overly stressed out about it. i just stated the truth.
the next sentence out of her mouth struck me. it's had me thinking all afternoon.
"it's only a job, remember that."
only a job?
this from someone who used to be one of the head accountants in our office?
what did she mean by that?
i don't think i'm a workaholic. i don't think much about work when i'm not there. i enjoy my home life, my daughter and family. i'm not chained to my desk. my time is my time, and work time is just that. do i occasionally stay late, catch up on emails from home after the baby has gone to sleep, or work through lunch to get a little quiet? well, yes. but that is by no means an everyday occurrence. i am actually quite proud of the work that i do, and the balance i have found between my home and work lives.
still it has me thinking. is this actually "just a job?"
no. it's my career.
i have 23 years left before i'm old enough to retire. it's not just a job when you have that long to go.
i have ambitions. i want to go somewhere. i don't view this as just a job. it's a stepping stone for my future, and more importantly, my daughter's future. i try so hard because i want to make something of myself. yes, i'm already an incredible mommy, and so regardless of my career, i will always be something. but, i want to succeed so badly at this "just a job" that i'm willing to do what it takes - the time, the extra effort, the stress... it will be worth it in the end.
it's not just a job. it's a huge part of my self esteem.

september 24

so i may have missed several days of blogging.
oops.
i really want this to work. writing is so good for me, and i want to view myself in a new light.
but truthfully, it's really fucking hard.
sure, there are some things i can point out about myself as good things. things that i love. but i have to make myself do it. the things that i don't like, well, that's another story. there's a growing list that is always in my mind. i can't escape it. not a day goes by that i don't think of something i don't like.
how do i make that nagging criticism stop?
clearly, i'm not where i want to be yet. i don't like what i see in the mirror still and i don't know why. i don't know how to get over it. i make a little progress, then have a day (or several) where i just feel like it's a futile effort.
i just want to be ok in my own skin.
i'm not perfect. i never claimed to be. but neither is anyone else. i love them despite their faults. when will i learn to love me in spite of mine? when will i stop being so hard on myself, realize i'm not perfect and will never be, and get fucking on with it already?
i deserve to love myself.

september 16

i love how girly i can be.
i love to have my nails done. i wear makeup and like my hair long. despite being a time-crunched mama, i make my best effort to look presentable each day. quite frankly, i don't see it as work. i see it as a luxury. i love trying new hair products and makeup. maybe it makes me a tad bit shallow, but whatever. i love being a girl.

september 15

today i love that i always turn my lazy saturdays into productive, fun days for me and my daughter.
no plans today turned into a visit to the farmer's market in delmar after some early morning cleaning and laundry. the market was a success - a delish chocolate chip vegan cookie for me to share with the munchkin, some awesome spanikopita to take home for lunch, and plenty of late summer produce finds. after we got home, the cool air inspired me to make some zucchini bread muffins, which m loved. a visit to a local playground in the afternoon was a resounding success, and i had plenty of time to make stuffed mushrooms, ham steak and corn on the cob for dinner. in one day i accomplished more at home than i had all week, but at a pace that didn't make me feel like a madwoman. lazy weekend days to some might mean sitting on the couch and watching football. to me it means quality time with my daughter, introducing her to new things and experiences. that was today.

september 14

i love my capacity to forgive and move on.
not forget, but move on.
sometimes, maybe, i shouldn't forgive. in some cases it may be impossible. but 99% of the time, it's a necessity. you need to forgive in order to move on. to not harbor bad feelings or ill will.
i genuinely care about the people in my life. if they let me down, disappoint me, make me sad, it sucks. but i get over it. i still care about them. i still want to see them happy and do well and succeed. i still want the best for them. once i let someone in my life, i care.
maybe that's a flaw. when it gets me hurt, it feels like it.
but maybe it's something to love. i'm gonna go with the latter today.

september 13

today i love that i age gracefully.
haha. fuck that. i'm turning 32 kicking and screaming.
i guess 36 will be harder, much like 26 was. so i have a few years to go. hell, by late thirty standards, i'm actually pretty young.
right?
right?
ok , so for the real one:
i feel loved today, and blessed to have so many incredible and wonderful people love me. i'm pretty lucky. i love that.

september 12

i love my hair today.
(sometimes i need something a little less heavy.)

september 11

today i love my compassion for others.
i had a hard time thinking of something to write for tonight, but started the process by opening blogger and typing the date.
the date.
on this day every year for the past 11 it's hard to not remember. clear as day, i can recall where i was, who i was with, what i felt, on september the 11th of 2001. i was a senior in college. i was in my first class of the day, an accounting class, tax something-or-other. a student who was in the computer lab next door before class came in and announced a plane had hit the world trade center. what? the teacher arrived and turned on the tv in the classroom. everyones stomach dropped as we realized a second plane had hit the second tower. two towers in flames against the crystal clear blue sky. two towers full of people, of loved ones, of mothers and fathers and daughters and sons. the horrific realization that it was a deliberate attack was too much to comprehend at the time. we were let go, to return to the dorms, classes cancelled the rest of the day. that day and night, i huddled with my roommates and friends in our dorm room glued to the television.
the pain i felt for those people was all too real. is still all to real every time i am reminded of all those senseless losses. i still cry when reading stories, or watching tv specials about it. all those first responders, heroes, who lost their lives trying to selflessly save others. i will never ever forget. it is impossible.
when i typed this date in to the title of the post, i realized the compassion i have for others. it's what makes me a good listener, a good boss. it's what made me join the hot line and be an ra and oa in college. it's my ability to put myself in their place and genuinely empathize with them. it also makes me sensitive sometimes, but that's ok. i wouldn't want to go through this life unfeeling and cold. i would rather be the compassionate, understanding, crying person that i am. i love that.

september 10

i love that i can run in high heels.
all weekend my baby was sick. when i dropped her off to her dad before work today, he agreed to let me know what time the pediatrician could see her, so i could meet them there. at 9:18 he called and said the doctor's office called and said to come in at 9:30.
cue me running through the parking lot in high heels to make it there in 12 minutes. good thing i work close by, i made it just as they were getting out of his truck.
i was able to be there for my daughter and hold her as the doctor poked and prodded her. back in the office by 5 after 10, i only had to charge 45 minutes time. momma duties, check, work duties, check. all thanks to my ability to run in high heels.*
*ok really it's due to my desire to be the best mom i can be. i love that too.

september 9

i love that i can cook, and that i genuinely enjoy it. i love cooking for my daughter, encouraging her to try new things, and seeing what she likes. i love making old favorite recipes and testing new ones out on my family. baking and decorating cakes is probably my specialty. and though it can be a lot of work (like the elmo carrot cake for m's first birthday,) it makes me feel so good when i make something yummy to share with others. this weekend i made zucchini squares and baked ziti with sausage. a visit from my parents today let me share it all with them.

september 8

i love my devotion to my daughter.
she is my life. she is my  heart. she is my world.
everything changed when she came into my life and i can barely remember a life before her. she makes me want to be a better person in so many ways. i am entirely devoted to her. and i love it.

september 7

i love my work ethic.
this may come as a surprise to people who laugh at state workers, but i really am a hardworking person. when i put my mind to something, i give it my all. when i was pregnant, i took a class and studied hard to do well on the promotional exam. i took it 7 months pregnant, and despite the many bathroom breaks, i ended up doing extremely well thanks to the work i put in.
since i got promoted last winter, i have been very motivated, working extra hard to make a good impression and build a name for myself. i stay late at work most nights that i don't have my daughter, and i volunteer for new assignments. i take the stress and pressure in stride, and use it to my advantage. i thrive on the challenges. plus, it feels good to prove some of my naysayers wrong.
lately, i have been instrumental in training staff in my office in our new system, and just put the finishing touches on a new accounting manual for staff. this week alone i've heard "nice job" from my boss's boss twice, and "thank you" from my own boss several times. it feels good to know that my hard work is paying off. not just in how i feel now, but in building a future for me and most importantly, my daughter. i'm laying the groundwork now, for future promotions. everything i do now will only bring good things for us in the future.
at one point, the naive girl i was thought most people were like that - hard working, reliable,  motivated - and i was nothing special. but i know better now. i've learned the hard way there are lazy people in this world, who want to get as much handed to them as possible, who only take and contribute nothing, who have no desire to make anything out of themselves or their lives.
i'm proud that i'm not like that. i'm proud that i'm setting a good example for my daughter. i love that about myself.

september 6

today i love that i try new things. like the class i start tonight, like the job i for volunteered at work. even when new things are scary, or i'm afraid of making a fool of myself. even when it seems too hard, or the results are unknown. i may love it, i may hate it. i may keep at it or give up on it when it's not for me. but i go out and try it. and that, i love.

september 5

today i love my ability to keep my apartment clean. despite having a very active toddler, and very little time to myself, i manage to keep my place in pretty good order, laundry done, floors vacuumed and things picked up on a routine basis. i think that's pretty damn good.

you have to love yourself first

dating isn't easy. it wasn't easy before i became a mom, and it certainly has not become any easier.

i am sure i'd have an endless supply of blog post, if i were going to write about the past year's trials and tribulations of a single mom in the dating world. the good and bad and ugly.
but i don't want this blog to be about that. i don't want it to turn into a what went wrong with him, or why that one didn't work out, or why it just didn't feel right with so-and-so.
no, that would make this a blog about them. and it's not. it's my journey, about me.

i will share, though, that i have been detecting a theme after one of these brief-lived relationships ends. it's this phrase, this idea, that has been thrown out to me, almost as a parting shot.
"you're a great girl, but..."
"you are perfect, if only i..."
"you're an amazing woman, i just..."
"somebody is going to be really lucky to have you."
i wish i could believe those words. or, at least the first parts of the sentences. truth is, i don't feel so great or amazing. i don't feel like a catch. i don't feel like someone would be lucky to have me.
why not? and, is this the reason nothing has worked out for me?

the saying "you have to love yourself, before anyone else will" floats around in my head on an almost daily basis. i know it's true. and i have my moments, but for the most part, i don't. i don't think i love myself the way i should. i see my flaws, ten fold. i'm so hard on myself, and i find it almost impossible to forgive myself for my past mistakes. i'm almost 32 years old. if i don't love myself by now, will i ever? and how do i learn to do so?

i should admit, there are some things i love about myself. little things. i love the way i can make my daughter laugh. i love being the go-to person at my job, and having the answer. i love my uncanny ability to scope out clearance finds at target, and match them up with coupons to pay the least oop (out of pocket) possible.
but myself as a whole? well, there are just too many flaws to love. i see them instead of seeing myself. funny, then, that i can look past the flaws in others so easily. i can love people in spite of them. sometimes, even because of them.

so, how do i look beyond the flaws in myself, and get to a point where i am happy with who i am? i guess that is part of this journey. a big big part.

goal: i'm going to list one thing a day that i love about myself, in the hopes of seeing myself in a new light. today, i've listed 3. wish me luck.

32

I turn 32 in 2 weeks.
My birthday doesn't mean much anymore. It hasn't in several years.
One thing I don't want, though, is to be alone on my birthday.

My family is 2 hours away, so seeing them is not an option after a long day of work. Since September 13th falls on a Thursday this year, and that is one of the two nights a week my daughter is with her father, I'm torn. I could ask him to switch days, and spend the day with the most important person in my life. I would choose being with her over anyone else, anytime, anyway.
But, if I do that, I have to give up another day during the week with her.

My other options are limited. I have very few friends, for a variety of reasons. I could make excuses up the wahoo, but truthfully, I just kind of suck at keeping up friendships. I let life get in the way, and am usually pretty consumed with my home life and what goes on here. I have boyfriends that come and go, and I don't devote the time or energy into keeping girlfriends like I should. Hell, my college roomate, who I know from when we worked together in high school, lives 15 minutes away. And the last time I saw her was my daughter's birthday in March. Before that, was her birth. Yes, I suck at keeping girlfriends. It's something I need to work at.

So, I can think about spending the night with some of the men that pop into and out of my life. There is Tom, a tattoo shop owner, who I dated for a few months earlier this year. He and I stopped seeing each other because, quote, he wasn't ready to be a father. In other words, he couldn't get serious with a single mom. No problem, I easily walked away. Until he texted a few months later, saying he missed me and made a mistake. I have seen him a few times since then, but things aren't the same. I don't see things moving forward, and truthfully, I feel like I'm just using him when we do spend time together. Using him for a night out, for something to do, for a distraction. It has no possibiltity of ever becoming something more, of going anywhere, and that is definitely not what I want.

I can spend the night with one of the few guys I talk to on occasion - first dates that never made it to seconds for a variety of reasons, but we still talk, text etc. It depresses me a little, though, to spend such an important day of year with one of them. Nice guys, they just aren't "my" nice guy, which is probably a big reason there hasn't been a second or third date with any of them.

Then there's Adam. Adam is the kind of man that is like a drug. He makes me feel alive. He excites me, non stop. He's someone I genuinely like to spend time with, we talk and have an amazing connection. at times But, he's not available. For whatever reasons I don't know or understand, he's unreliable, and unavailable. After the last time he stood me up, I haven't texted him, and I'm not sure I will. But in a world full of men that just don't excite me, and knowing the way he does, it is hard to forget about him.

The other option, the most realistic one, is to spend the night alone. Do something for me, that I will enjoy. Go shopping by myself? A pedicure or a massage? Take myself out to dinner? Is that sad, or liberating?

My fear is not that I will spend the day alone, but that I spend it being lonely. That is a big difference, and I need to figure out how to make it not happen.

Intro

Hi.
Welcome.
This is my journey.

It occured to me last night, while I was laying in bed listening to my daughter's breathing over the baby monitor, my mind wandering and anxiously waiting for sleep to come over me, that I miss writing.

I don't really know when or why I stopped. I can blame it on not having enough time, but truthfully, if I have the time to change my nail color three times a week, I should have been making time for this. There is something cathartic about writing. Always has been, always will be. So, I'm back.
Somewhere along the path of life over the past couple of years, I feel as though I have lost myself. I have stopped looking inward. I have stopped reflecting, and my feelings don't always make sense to me anymore. I can't always identify what I'm feeling. I just know I want it to go away. And that's not any way to live. I think the first step to reclaiming my thoughts, feelings, life and love of it, is to start writing again.

So here it is. It won't always be pretty or neat. It won't always make sense. Sometimes they will just be words, on paper, so they aren't swirling around in my head making me tired and anxious and moody. So many changes have enveloped me over the past two years, and I never find the time to really process them. So this is my attempt at that.

I want to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.
I want to be sure of the direction of my life, and get it back on track.
I want a clear picture of who I am, and where I'm going.
I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.
I want to be the best mother I can possibly be, and give my daughter everything I can.
I want to enjoy and relish every moment that I am blessed to have with her.
I want to learn to love myself.

These are the most pressing desires I have at the moment. No short task, I'm sure. I have plenty more on my "I want" list, but mostly those come and go. These things are what I hope to get out of this blog, that I hope to keep up with and help me on my journey.

This is my journey. Supergirl's journey.