a plan of action instead of inaction

i just let an incredible man walk out of my life.
he presented an opportunity to me, and i'm too blind to take it.
it's gotten to the point where i am letting my past dictate my future. and that needs to change, now.

i'm still not at a place that is ready for a relationship. i want to be, lord knows how i want to be.
but ignoring my past and my present and hoping for a future to fix it all, is not a plan of action. it's a plan of inaction.
i have trust issues.
i have issues with knowing my own self worth.
i have problems believing that any man will love me for me.
i have a problem loving myself, so how could i expect anyone else to?
i have a problem believing the very thing that i want to instill in my daughter.
that she deserves love and happiness and for a man (or anyone) to treat her like gold.

he was different but i was blind to it.
so burned by my past, so hesitant of trusting.
i let a good one slip right through my fingers. when all i had to do was reach out and hold onto it.

"For you to be able to offer the best to your daughter you have to make changes, you have to become a strong woman in every aspect of the word. I wish things could have been different. You would have been easy to love. I could have seen you in my future..."

i have to change. 

there is no doubt in my mind anymore.

the things that i have been doing, using sex as a drug, are not actually "working". they never did. and they will continue to hold me back and hold me down if i let them.

i have to say goodbye to the easy way. to the quick fixes. to the men that i let use me.

i have to do it for myself, and for my daughter.

it's the only hope i have in showing her the "right" way.

my only desire, since i learned i was pregnant, was to give my daughter everything i possibly could.

i have succeeded in many ways. i can show her she can go far in school if she puts her mind to it. i can show her women can have a career and be successful. i can show her she can do anything she wants, on her own. i can show her how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by friends and family. i can show her that being a hardworking, kind and considerate person will reward you in life.

what i cannot show her yet is what a loving, caring, and worthwhile relationship looks like.

that is my dream. that i can have a healthy, normal and loving relationship, and do it right. so that she sees that her mama believes that she herself is worth it. so she sees that i believe i am worth it. 

and so someday, she believes that SHE is worth it.

i do not want this life i live for my daughter. i want better for her. 

but how else will she know how, if i don't show her? 

this is my goal for 2013.

now i must learn how.