depression lies.

struggles

sometimes, it's a struggle to get up in the morning. to go to work. to get myself presentable and focused and awake.
sometimes, it's a struggle to keep it all together. the housework, the day job, the mom stuff, finances.
sometimes, it's a struggle to want to continue to meet men, put forth the effort, and keep the hope alive that one of them will be worth the wait.
sometimes, it's a struggle to find the silver linings in the clouds.
sometimes, it's a struggle to see the bright side, to be excited for a new day and the new opportunities it brings.
sometimes it's a struggle to be a supergirl.
sometimes, i just want a little help.
instead of help, all i seem to find are momentary distractions from my reality.
william was supposed to be the one to help me see myself clearly. but my view became muddled even more. steve brags about how he saves women all the time. but not me. he insists i don't need saving, i just need to smile more. rick, as centered and peaceful as his soul seems, just dragged me down a little bit more when i realized what he was after. here's a hint - it wasn't getting to know me or date me.
i'm not, nor will i ever be, that chick that wants a man to save her.
but a little help, a little reminder, a little happiness in an otherwise dark place, would be welcomed. something  that lasts. something stable. some hope. these struggles are getting too hard to face everyday alone.

always strive to do better

a band aid

i started this by writing
"it was a mistake when i asked him to go."
and now i know it wasn't.

i wanted to feel alive and young and foolish and impulsive. i wanted to know what it felt like to be him. to be with him. now i remember.

lost

do you believe in psychics?

while i was in atlantic city, nj last weekend, i visited a boardwalk psychic
she wasn't a medium. she did tarot and palm readings.
for ten bucks, she read my energy.
and what she said wasn't good.
she said i have the energy of an older person, in their seventies. someone who has resigned themselves to "well, this is all life is." someone who looks back on their past memories with fondness, but who isn't making many new ones.
she said someone my age should have an energy that reads excited, with all of these opportunities and paths in front of me. someone with all of these wonderful things to do.
she talked about my strength, and my ups and downs. she talked about how i think i get the short end of the stick a lot, and she said i was right. i get treated like shit a lot. but she also said i allow it. she talked about my decision not to speak up. she said i can do it, but don't want to. she said i am too nice sometimes, and that gets taken advantage of.
she said that i have a lot of good karma.
when i laughed at that, she said i was blocking it.
she talked about a man, one that i've been thinking about recently. she said our souls were connected, but now they are not. she said that connection is broken.
when i asked if i could fix it, she said i could, but it would be difficult.
she said in the past 6 or 7 months something in me changed.
she said that i have been lost.

all of these things are so general in nature. they could apply to anything or anyone.
in my mind i know that. i know that a psychic reading is only what you make of it.

but i also know how i felt, and how i feel now.
and i know that she was right.