32

I turn 32 in 2 weeks.
My birthday doesn't mean much anymore. It hasn't in several years.
One thing I don't want, though, is to be alone on my birthday.

My family is 2 hours away, so seeing them is not an option after a long day of work. Since September 13th falls on a Thursday this year, and that is one of the two nights a week my daughter is with her father, I'm torn. I could ask him to switch days, and spend the day with the most important person in my life. I would choose being with her over anyone else, anytime, anyway.
But, if I do that, I have to give up another day during the week with her.

My other options are limited. I have very few friends, for a variety of reasons. I could make excuses up the wahoo, but truthfully, I just kind of suck at keeping up friendships. I let life get in the way, and am usually pretty consumed with my home life and what goes on here. I have boyfriends that come and go, and I don't devote the time or energy into keeping girlfriends like I should. Hell, my college roomate, who I know from when we worked together in high school, lives 15 minutes away. And the last time I saw her was my daughter's birthday in March. Before that, was her birth. Yes, I suck at keeping girlfriends. It's something I need to work at.

So, I can think about spending the night with some of the men that pop into and out of my life. There is Tom, a tattoo shop owner, who I dated for a few months earlier this year. He and I stopped seeing each other because, quote, he wasn't ready to be a father. In other words, he couldn't get serious with a single mom. No problem, I easily walked away. Until he texted a few months later, saying he missed me and made a mistake. I have seen him a few times since then, but things aren't the same. I don't see things moving forward, and truthfully, I feel like I'm just using him when we do spend time together. Using him for a night out, for something to do, for a distraction. It has no possibiltity of ever becoming something more, of going anywhere, and that is definitely not what I want.

I can spend the night with one of the few guys I talk to on occasion - first dates that never made it to seconds for a variety of reasons, but we still talk, text etc. It depresses me a little, though, to spend such an important day of year with one of them. Nice guys, they just aren't "my" nice guy, which is probably a big reason there hasn't been a second or third date with any of them.

Then there's Adam. Adam is the kind of man that is like a drug. He makes me feel alive. He excites me, non stop. He's someone I genuinely like to spend time with, we talk and have an amazing connection. at times But, he's not available. For whatever reasons I don't know or understand, he's unreliable, and unavailable. After the last time he stood me up, I haven't texted him, and I'm not sure I will. But in a world full of men that just don't excite me, and knowing the way he does, it is hard to forget about him.

The other option, the most realistic one, is to spend the night alone. Do something for me, that I will enjoy. Go shopping by myself? A pedicure or a massage? Take myself out to dinner? Is that sad, or liberating?

My fear is not that I will spend the day alone, but that I spend it being lonely. That is a big difference, and I need to figure out how to make it not happen.

Intro

Hi.
Welcome.
This is my journey.

It occured to me last night, while I was laying in bed listening to my daughter's breathing over the baby monitor, my mind wandering and anxiously waiting for sleep to come over me, that I miss writing.

I don't really know when or why I stopped. I can blame it on not having enough time, but truthfully, if I have the time to change my nail color three times a week, I should have been making time for this. There is something cathartic about writing. Always has been, always will be. So, I'm back.
Somewhere along the path of life over the past couple of years, I feel as though I have lost myself. I have stopped looking inward. I have stopped reflecting, and my feelings don't always make sense to me anymore. I can't always identify what I'm feeling. I just know I want it to go away. And that's not any way to live. I think the first step to reclaiming my thoughts, feelings, life and love of it, is to start writing again.

So here it is. It won't always be pretty or neat. It won't always make sense. Sometimes they will just be words, on paper, so they aren't swirling around in my head making me tired and anxious and moody. So many changes have enveloped me over the past two years, and I never find the time to really process them. So this is my attempt at that.

I want to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.
I want to be sure of the direction of my life, and get it back on track.
I want a clear picture of who I am, and where I'm going.
I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.
I want to be the best mother I can possibly be, and give my daughter everything I can.
I want to enjoy and relish every moment that I am blessed to have with her.
I want to learn to love myself.

These are the most pressing desires I have at the moment. No short task, I'm sure. I have plenty more on my "I want" list, but mostly those come and go. These things are what I hope to get out of this blog, that I hope to keep up with and help me on my journey.

This is my journey. Supergirl's journey.