love

a plan of action instead of inaction

i just let an incredible man walk out of my life.
he presented an opportunity to me, and i'm too blind to take it.
it's gotten to the point where i am letting my past dictate my future. and that needs to change, now.

i'm still not at a place that is ready for a relationship. i want to be, lord knows how i want to be.
but ignoring my past and my present and hoping for a future to fix it all, is not a plan of action. it's a plan of inaction.
i have trust issues.
i have issues with knowing my own self worth.
i have problems believing that any man will love me for me.
i have a problem loving myself, so how could i expect anyone else to?
i have a problem believing the very thing that i want to instill in my daughter.
that she deserves love and happiness and for a man (or anyone) to treat her like gold.

he was different but i was blind to it.
so burned by my past, so hesitant of trusting.
i let a good one slip right through my fingers. when all i had to do was reach out and hold onto it.

"For you to be able to offer the best to your daughter you have to make changes, you have to become a strong woman in every aspect of the word. I wish things could have been different. You would have been easy to love. I could have seen you in my future..."

i have to change. 

there is no doubt in my mind anymore.

the things that i have been doing, using sex as a drug, are not actually "working". they never did. and they will continue to hold me back and hold me down if i let them.

i have to say goodbye to the easy way. to the quick fixes. to the men that i let use me.

i have to do it for myself, and for my daughter.

it's the only hope i have in showing her the "right" way.

my only desire, since i learned i was pregnant, was to give my daughter everything i possibly could.

i have succeeded in many ways. i can show her she can go far in school if she puts her mind to it. i can show her women can have a career and be successful. i can show her she can do anything she wants, on her own. i can show her how wonderful life is when you are surrounded by friends and family. i can show her that being a hardworking, kind and considerate person will reward you in life.

what i cannot show her yet is what a loving, caring, and worthwhile relationship looks like.

that is my dream. that i can have a healthy, normal and loving relationship, and do it right. so that she sees that her mama believes that she herself is worth it. so she sees that i believe i am worth it. 

and so someday, she believes that SHE is worth it.

i do not want this life i live for my daughter. i want better for her. 

but how else will she know how, if i don't show her? 

this is my goal for 2013.

now i must learn how.

so what

i want a man that makes me light up when i hear from him.
i want a man that makes me smile.
a man that makes me laugh.
a man that makes me feel sexy and wanted.
i want passion.
i want him to see how awesome i am, and to help me believe that.
i want a man who can see a future, with me somewhere in it.
i want a man to please, and who treats me well in return.
i want to love, and be loved.
but more importantly, i want to know that i can feel love again.
that kind of love.
it's such a distant memory, i wonder if it's even real.
it's been so long. i'm just not sure anymore.

september 26

today an old boss visited the office. she retired a few months ago, not long after i got my promotion and the new system went live.
she asked how things with the new system were going. i was honest, and said some things have improved and some seem to be getting worse.
i didn't complain, bitch, or moan about it. i don't think i seemed overly stressed out about it. i just stated the truth.
the next sentence out of her mouth struck me. it's had me thinking all afternoon.
"it's only a job, remember that."
only a job?
this from someone who used to be one of the head accountants in our office?
what did she mean by that?
i don't think i'm a workaholic. i don't think much about work when i'm not there. i enjoy my home life, my daughter and family. i'm not chained to my desk. my time is my time, and work time is just that. do i occasionally stay late, catch up on emails from home after the baby has gone to sleep, or work through lunch to get a little quiet? well, yes. but that is by no means an everyday occurrence. i am actually quite proud of the work that i do, and the balance i have found between my home and work lives.
still it has me thinking. is this actually "just a job?"
no. it's my career.
i have 23 years left before i'm old enough to retire. it's not just a job when you have that long to go.
i have ambitions. i want to go somewhere. i don't view this as just a job. it's a stepping stone for my future, and more importantly, my daughter's future. i try so hard because i want to make something of myself. yes, i'm already an incredible mommy, and so regardless of my career, i will always be something. but, i want to succeed so badly at this "just a job" that i'm willing to do what it takes - the time, the extra effort, the stress... it will be worth it in the end.
it's not just a job. it's a huge part of my self esteem.

september 24

so i may have missed several days of blogging.
oops.
i really want this to work. writing is so good for me, and i want to view myself in a new light.
but truthfully, it's really fucking hard.
sure, there are some things i can point out about myself as good things. things that i love. but i have to make myself do it. the things that i don't like, well, that's another story. there's a growing list that is always in my mind. i can't escape it. not a day goes by that i don't think of something i don't like.
how do i make that nagging criticism stop?
clearly, i'm not where i want to be yet. i don't like what i see in the mirror still and i don't know why. i don't know how to get over it. i make a little progress, then have a day (or several) where i just feel like it's a futile effort.
i just want to be ok in my own skin.
i'm not perfect. i never claimed to be. but neither is anyone else. i love them despite their faults. when will i learn to love me in spite of mine? when will i stop being so hard on myself, realize i'm not perfect and will never be, and get fucking on with it already?
i deserve to love myself.

september 16

i love how girly i can be.
i love to have my nails done. i wear makeup and like my hair long. despite being a time-crunched mama, i make my best effort to look presentable each day. quite frankly, i don't see it as work. i see it as a luxury. i love trying new hair products and makeup. maybe it makes me a tad bit shallow, but whatever. i love being a girl.

september 15

today i love that i always turn my lazy saturdays into productive, fun days for me and my daughter.
no plans today turned into a visit to the farmer's market in delmar after some early morning cleaning and laundry. the market was a success - a delish chocolate chip vegan cookie for me to share with the munchkin, some awesome spanikopita to take home for lunch, and plenty of late summer produce finds. after we got home, the cool air inspired me to make some zucchini bread muffins, which m loved. a visit to a local playground in the afternoon was a resounding success, and i had plenty of time to make stuffed mushrooms, ham steak and corn on the cob for dinner. in one day i accomplished more at home than i had all week, but at a pace that didn't make me feel like a madwoman. lazy weekend days to some might mean sitting on the couch and watching football. to me it means quality time with my daughter, introducing her to new things and experiences. that was today.